Dick Wolfsie: If this old camera could talk

Returning from our vacation in the Virgin Islands last month, I sent my digital camera through the scanner at the airport.

Then I forgot to retrieve it from the tray after it rolled out on the conveyor. When I came back five minutes later, it was gone. I almost always use my cell phone on trips to snap photos, but I took the old point-and-shoot as a backup.

I actually did use it quite a bit and the camera ended up being chock-full of pictures showing all the fun Mary Ellen and I had — you know, standing in front of an old church, standing in front of an old restaurant, standing in front of an old museum, and standing in front of people older than us, if we could find any.

I was hoping when they got home the thief might have a change of heart about taking my camera. I did have my name and e-mail address taped on the back. What value could my old camera have for anyone else? Crooks don’t have a conscience, and this guy took the cake, or in this case, the Kodak.

One day last week, I opened my e-mail and there was this note:

Dear Mr. Wolfsie: (Is that really a name?)

Thanks for leaving your camera unattended at the Nassau Airport. When I got home and started looking through your pictures, I was disappointed. There wasn’t a single racy shot out of the whole bunch. Oh well, you and the redhead make a lovely couple, so I’m e-mailing you back all of your vacation photos.

Sorry, I stole your camera. It’s a little antiquated but still a keeper. I mean that literally.

If I could, I’d like to make just a few suggestions from an objective observer. Your wife is very attractive, but I’m not a big fan of capri pants. I love her red hair, but I’m not crazy about the style. Otherwise, you are a lucky man. I wish I had a trophy wife.

Now, regarding you: Geez … no more selfies, I beg you. And when someone takes a photo of you, never pose for a profile shot with your head bent forward, looking down. Just curious, which of your chins is your favorite? You look pretty good for your age, assuming you’re 85 years old. (You must be that old, since you still use AOL.)

Here’s a thought: How about some more candid shots of you and your wife doing something that is more physical than just standing? Too scary? Maybe you can hire someone to pretend he’s you, parasailing or windsurfing.

Some final advice on your picture-taking: You apparently think half a head is better than none. That is true, except in photos.

Anyway, Dick, if I may call you that (after all, I feel like I know you), as I said, I am keeping the camera, even though I would have preferred a Nikon.

Author’s note: You guessed it. I made up this entire story. Just for the record, my wife’s hair looks fabulous.

Retired television personality Dick Wolfsie writes this weekly column for Indiana newspapers, including the Daily Journal. Send comments to [email protected]